#!/bin/bash

foo(){
sleep .5;
echo "RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR   TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFMMMMMMMM               MMMMMMMM";
echo "R::::::::::::::::R  T:::::::::::::::::::::TF::::::::::::::::::::FM:::::::M             M:::::::M";
echo "R::::::RRRRRR:::::R T:::::::::::::::::::::TF::::::::::::::::::::FM::::::::M           M::::::::M";
echo "RR:::::R     R:::::RT:::::TT:::::::TT:::::TFF::::::FFFFFFFFF::::FM:::::::::M         M:::::::::M";
echo "   R::::R     R:::::RTTTTTT  T:::::T  TTTTTT  F:::::F       FFFFFFM::::::::::M       M::::::::::M";
echo "   R::::R     R:::::R        T:::::T          F:::::F             M:::::::::::M     M:::::::::::M";
echo "   R::::RRRRRR:::::R         T:::::T          F::::::FFFFFFFFFF   M:::::::M::::M   M::::M:::::::M";
echo "   R:::::::::::::RR          T:::::T          F:::::::::::::::F   M::::::M M::::M M::::M M::::::M";
echo "   R::::RRRRRR:::::R         T:::::T          F:::::::::::::::F   M::::::M  M::::M::::M  M::::::M";
echo "   R::::R     R:::::R        T:::::T          F::::::FFFFFFFFFF   M::::::M   M:::::::M   M::::::M";
echo "   R::::R     R:::::R        T:::::T          F:::::F             M::::::M    M:::::M    M::::::M";
echo "   R::::R     R:::::R        T:::::T          F:::::F             M::::::M     MMMMM     M::::::M";
echo " RR:::::R     R:::::R      TT:::::::TT      FF:::::::FF           M::::::M               M::::::M";
echo " R::::::R     R:::::R      T:::::::::T      F::::::::FF           M::::::M               M::::::M";
echo " R::::::R     R:::::R      T:::::::::T      F::::::::FF           M::::::M               M::::::M";
echo " RRRRRRRR     RRRRRRR      TTTTTTTTTTT      FFFFFFFFFFF           MMMMMMMM               MMMMMMMM";
exit 255
}

ITWhore(){
file=/home/$USER/.config/itw/nonsense.txt;
shuf -n 1 $file;
exit 1
}

debugshice(){
i=$OPTARG
if [ $i == "query" ]
  then
    echo "What part of 'rtfm' don't you understand?"
    exit 1
fi

if [ $i = "planet" ]
  then
    echo "From what planet do you come from?"
    exit 1
fi

if [ $i = "literacy" ]
  then
    echo "Can you read?"
    exit 1
fi

if [ $i = "english" ]
  then
    echo "Do you speak english?"
    exit 1
fi

if [ $i = "Mac" ]
  then
    echo "Have you ever used a computer other than a Macintosh?"
    exit 1
fi

if [ $i = "Nintendo" ]
  then
    echo "Do you use a fucking NINTENDO to work?"
    exit 1
  else
  echo ""
  foo
  exit 255
fi
}

actionshice(){
i=$OPTARG
if [ $i == "scream" ]
  then
    echo "# AAAHHHHH that hurts! Please log off, turn off the system and go play Nintendo!"
    exit 1
fi

if [ $i == "hair" ]
  then
    echo "# I fucking rip out my hair in total frustration!"
    exit 1
fi

if [ $i == "rm" ]
  then
    echo "# removing /home/$USER"
    exit 1
fi

if [ $i == "rm-rf" ]
  then
    echo "# removing /home/$USER recursively and forced"
    exit 1
fi

if [ $i == "ignore" ]
  then
    echo "# will ignore user >$USER< for the rest of this week!"
    exit 1
fi

if [ $i == "warn" ]
  then
    echo "# >>> WARNING <<<  CRITICAL ERROR ON LAYER 8 - HID control unit has obviously failed again!"
    exit 1
fi

if [ $i == "forward" ]
  then
    echo "# /dev/null is full"
    exit 1
fi

if [ $i == "kill" ]
  then
    echo "# kill all PIDs belonging to user $USER, user $USER itself with all that shit user $USER owns and the rest of the world!"
    exit 1
fi

if [ $i == "FILE" ]
  then
    echo "# FILE: file not found --> Will not search for it. Use Google!"
    exit 1
  else
    echo ""
    foo
    exit 255
fi
}

while getopts 'phd:ia:q*' OPTION ; do
  case "$OPTION" in
    "p")   echo "Please read the (corresponding) manpage e.g. with 'man man'";;
    "h")   echo "Go to hell!";;
    "d")   debugshice;;
    "i")   ITWhore;;
    "a")   actionshice;;
    "q")   echo "Let's see which user is in charge for this interruption:"; echo $USER ; echo ""; echo "Above user is member of the following groups: "; id -nG $USER; echo "";echo "Proposed root approach for a proper solution is:"; echo "mv $USER /dev/null";;
    :|*|\?) foo;;
  esac

done