#!/bin/bash

optargshice(){
i=$OPTARG
if [ $i == "query" ]
  then
    echo "What part of 'rtfm' don't you understand?"
    exit 1
fi

if [ $i = "planet" ]
  then
    echo "From what planet do you come from?"
    exit 1
fi

if [ $i = "literacy" ]
  then
    echo "Can you read?"
    exit 1
fi

if [ $i = "english" ]
  then
    echo "Do you speak english?"
    exit 1
fi

if [ $i = "Mac" ]
  then
    echo "Have you ever used a computer other than a Macintosh?"
    exit 1
fi

if [ $i = "Nintendo" ]
  then
    echo "Do you use a fucking NINTENDO to work?"
    exit 1
  else
  echo ""
  echo "I am root, I dont't speak 'noob', so "
  echo ""
  foo
  exit 255
fi
}

actionshice(){
i=$OPTARG
if [ $i == "scream" ]
  then
    echo "root# AAAHHHHH that hurts! Please log off, turn off the system and go play Nintendo!"
    exit 1
fi

if [ $i == "hair" ]
  then
    echo "root# I fucking rip out my hair in total frustration!"
    exit 1
fi

if [ $i == "rm" ]
  then
    echo "root# removing /home/$USER"
    exit 1
fi

if [ $i == "rm-rf" ]
  then
    echo "root# removing /home/$USER recursively and forced"
    exit 1
fi

if [ $i == "ignore" ]
  then
    echo "root# will ignore user >$USER< for the rest of this week!" exit 1 fi if [ $i == "warn" ] then echo "root# >>> WARNING <<< CRITICAL ERROR ON LAYER 8 - HID control unit has obviously failed again!" exit 1 fi if [ $i == "forward" ] then echo "root# /dev/null is full" exit 1 fi if [ $i == "kill" ] then echo "root# kill all PIDs belonging to user $USER, user $USER itself with all that shit user $USER owns and the rest of the world!" exit 1 fi if [ $i == "FILE" ] then echo "root# FILE: file not found --> Will not search for it. Use Google!"
    exit 1
  else
    echo ""
    echo "I am root, I dont't speak 'noob', so "
    echo ""
    foo
    exit 255
fi
}

foo(){
  echo "................................................................................................";
  echo "................................................................................................";
  echo "RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFMMMMMMMM...............MMMMMMMM";
  echo "R::::::::::::::::R..T:::::::::::::::::::::TF::::::::::::::::::::FM:::::::M.............M:::::::M";
  echo "R::::::RRRRRR:::::R.T:::::::::::::::::::::TF::::::::::::::::::::FM::::::::M...........M::::::::M";
  echo "RR:::::R.....R:::::RT:::::TT:::::::TT:::::TFF::::::FFFFFFFFF::::FM:::::::::M.........M:::::::::M";
  echo "..R::::R.....R:::::RTTTTTT..T:::::T..TTTTTT..F:::::F.......FFFFFFM::::::::::M.......M::::::::::M";
  echo "..R::::R.....R:::::R........T:::::T..........F:::::F.............M:::::::::::M.....M:::::::::::M";
  echo "..R::::RRRRRR:::::R.........T:::::T..........F::::::FFFFFFFFFF...M:::::::M::::M...M::::M:::::::M";
  echo "..R:::::::::::::RR..........T:::::T..........F:::::::::::::::F...M::::::M.M::::M.M::::M.M::::::M";
  echo "..R::::RRRRRR:::::R.........T:::::T..........F:::::::::::::::F...M::::::M..M::::M::::M..M::::::M";
  echo "..R::::R.....R:::::R........T:::::T..........F::::::FFFFFFFFFF...M::::::M...M:::::::M...M::::::M";
  echo "..R::::R.....R:::::R........T:::::T..........F:::::F.............M::::::M....M:::::M....M::::::M";
  echo "..R::::R.....R:::::R........T:::::T..........F:::::F.............M::::::M.....MMMMM.....M::::::M";
  echo "RR:::::R.....R:::::R......TT:::::::TT......FF:::::::FF...........M::::::M...............M::::::M";
  echo "R::::::R.....R:::::R......T:::::::::T......F::::::::FF...........M::::::M...............M::::::M";
  echo "R::::::R.....R:::::R......T:::::::::T......F::::::::FF...........M::::::M...............M::::::M";
  echo "RRRRRRRR.....RRRRRRR......TTTTTTTTTTT......FFFFFFFFFFF...........MMMMMMMM...............MMMMMMMM";
  echo "................................................................................................";
  echo "................................................................................................";
}

while getopts 'phd:ia:q*' OPTION ; do
  case "$OPTION" in
    p)   echo "Please read the (corresponding) Manpage e.g. with 'man man'";;
    h)   echo "Go to hell!";;
    d)   optargshice;;
    i)   echo "-.- CRITICAL ERROR ON LAYER 8: INTERVAL HAS BEEN SET TO n -.-";;
    a)   actionshice;;
    q)   echo "Let's see which user is in charge for this interruption:"; echo $USER ; echo ""; echo "Above user is member of the following groups: "; id -nG $USER; echo "";echo "Proposed root approach for a proper solution is:"; echo "mv $USER /dev/null";;
    *)   foo;;
  esac

done

Download (Skript als .txt): rtfm.txt